Shutting down

I just can’t handle life today.  Why am I putting it on here?  Because I know on here no one gives a shit.  All of this started when I was a child and I tried to stand up and tell my mother about her boyfriend sexually abusing me.  She told me I was lying.  To stop making up stories.  Ever since I knew what I said meant nothing.  It never has.  And it never will.  Every so often I trick myself into believing I can make a difference in the world.  I almost did at one point.  I was starting to do good.  I had rehabilitated some dogs.  They were able to live full lives now.  I had stood by my brother from another mother when someone had lied about him.   I was a good friend.  I was on the road to being a good mother again to my son.  Then I found that bag with the pot in it.  I freaked out and flushed the pot.  The owner of the pot got mad at me.  The cops put words in my mouth.  I blacked out.  When I came to I thought I had been kidnapped.  Did I steal anything?  No.  I found something abandoned in tall grass.  I stumbled onto a drug drop.  And the guy managed to use the cops to screw up my life.  I now have a criminal record for resisting arrest even though I was never cuffed.  Just like mom no one believes me.  I’m a bad person.  I’m shit.  I’m lower than shit.  At least shit has a purpose in this universe.  According to this state my mother is a more fitting parent than I am.  I’m worthless.  No one will hire me.  I’m going to end up back in jail simply because I’m poor.  And no matter what I say every word out of my mouth is always a lie.

Retiring a Ledgend

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Monty has not only been a steadfast companion for me but a therapy animal for others for almost 10 years.  Recently his health has gone downhill to the point that I’ve had to retire him from public service work.  It’s hard on me to walk away from him when I’m going out to appointments.  I’m so use to bringing him with me.  To having the texture of his fur against my hands when he is doing tasks.  The weight of his body and the length of his legs when he moves up onto my chest to do dpt during panic attacks.  He still does it all at home but it’s just not safe for him to work in public anymore.  I do have a new small SDIT that I’m working with and she is doing wonderful.  I’m bonding with her great.  That doesn’t stop the tears and heartbreak of having to retire such an amazing sd.

Dealing with retiring a service dog

One of the hardest things anyone can do is retire a dog from service work.  The first time I was forced to do this is with my dog Suki after she was attacked multiple times by a dog that lived in the same building as me.  I was not able to keep her with me after retiring and it tore me apart.  This time it’s my medical alert dog Monty who is retiring.  At least this time I get to keep him with me as a pet.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m now going to be without a medical need when I’m out in public.  That combined with the stress of trying to find another dog to train for service work adds a toll on my already fractured mind and spirit.

When I started looking I admit I was viewing the world thru rose colored glasses.  I remembered the dogs I had breed in my younger days and how many of them I gave away to people in need of service dogs.  They always say what you do comes back to you.  Two weeks and 15 breeders latter my heart has sank low.  Nearly all when I talked about why I needed the puppy and my financial situation talked about kids with medical bills.  Some I believed some didn’t ring true.  One I know lied as they had said right before that she lived alone with the dogs.  Never had children so the dogs had no experience with them.

I’m trying to hold onto my strength.  It can’t rain everyday.  I’ve done my best to do good in my life and it has to come back to me at some point.

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I use to be of the mind set that when people are talking suicide that tough love was the way to go.  Tell them to suck it up and shock them out of it.  Being on the other end of that mind set  I’m ashamed that I ever did that to anyone.  Life has not been easy last couple of months.  From the false arrest to harassment from my neighbor.  Then to top it off being gotten ahold of by an online hate group whose members verbally attacked me over an issue that was already solved locally threw the courts possibly fueled by a woman who lied her way into a friendship with me years ago and is mad because I cut it off.  I’ve tried to take my life twice in the last week.  By the fact that I’m here to type this out obviously I failed.  I’m not good at getting help.  But I’m tired of feeling pain.  Still more court dates to come and my own building management is going after me.  Because I was accused of a crime they want me out.  Because I refused to move they are now claiming my brother, who has been sleeping in his van to be close to help me, is living here.  Every day I’m waking up with my head spinning and wanting to throw up.  Like I’m on a roller coaster and the man at the controls refuses to let me off.  Am I depressed?  No shit.  I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be when their world is falling apart around them.  But have to put on the happy face.

All the times I told people who were trying to kill themselves to just suck it up.  When that was said to me I ate a bottle of pills.  Can I give some insight at this point on what works.  Random laughs.  Trying to hard to find those light moments in the day.  They are so hard to find.  Don’t call me angry or stupid.  I’m smart enough to realize what I am going threw is irrational and won’t solve anything but going threw periods of time where the physical and mental pain are so bad that it doesn’t matter.  All I want is for it to end.  Things that motivated me to keep going before have little to no meaning.  Caring for my dogs could be done by anyone.  And as many from that one page stated they would be better off with another person anyhow.  My fish if all sold might be able to raise about $300.  That would cover cremation costs.  And weather I want to or not I keep rationalizing it all.

The only thing that seams to distract me is harming myself.  No it’s not that I want to hurt.  The endorphin release from the injury distracts me.  Makes the pain elsewhere lighter.  It started with rubbing my arm raw during ptsd black outs and now has escalated into light small conscious cuts.  Yes I know I shouldn’t be doing this.  Yes I know it’s dangerous.  But it helps.  I need to pull out the tattoo gun and work with it again.  I just don’t’ have the money right now for green soap and paper towels.  I have enough injuries on my left arm to distract me from the joint pain.  Every time it starts to get bad I just twist my arm a bit.

I know this talk might be disturbing but if it helps someone then it helps.  No I don’t fancy myself a martyr or anything special. I don’t think there would be more then ten people at my funeral.  My only wedding I couldn’t even get that many to attend.  I’m weird and not very well liked.  I have problems fitting in.

The Light Threw The Clouds

It can be so hard to stay positive when life gets hard.  Trying to find things to make you smile can be close to impossible some days.  Sometimes it feels like the world is against you.  People attack each other for no reason and the world applauds.  No matter how bad it gets I know I have at least one ray of light that continues to burst threw the clouds.  Always there for me and never judging.

Koda right before an alert for a black out. He is always focused on me away or at home.

I have to remind myself that it doesn’t snow every day.  Winter lasts for a very long time but eventually spring comes.  With spring is new life and new hope.

Posing with warm weather wishes

I need to remember to take care of myself.  Take the time to tend to my needs.  Do some cleaning around the home or even cuddle under my favorite blanket for a nap.

Koda napping under a blanket while visiting a friend.

And above all remember that there is a ray of light that broke free from the clouds walking the earth with me.  He never judges only accepts.  Patient eyes to watch me while I sleep and a steady paw to keep me on my feet.  Not everything in my life is bad.  After all I’m walking this earth with the most amazing service dog ever.

Koda at the therapist’s office.

Bitterness

I am not a veteran.  I did not sign up to go to war.  I did not volunteer to have hell thrust upon me.  But that didn’t matter to my abuser. Today I live with my past.  It’s not my choice but I feel as if there is nothing I can do.  Even shrinks at this point say there is nothing they can do to help me.  Soldiers come home and physically leave their tortures behind even if some cling to the mind like a parasite.  I know my torture still lives in the very town I call home.  He left the parasite of our past clinging to my mind.  It invades my dreams and even my waking life but for me and many others like me it doesn’t stop there.  We are not soldiers.  We were not trained to endure torture.

I was a child who didn’t know what was happening.  My own mother told me when it finally came out not to talk about it.  Some nights I wake up 6 or more times.  I just tell people it’s insomnia.  In some ways I guess it is.  But I’m scared to sleep.  Over and over again it keeps hapening.  The more stress I’m under the worse it gets.  There are times it gets to be to much and I stop feeling.  I’m grateful for these moments.  My mind and heart are so silent.  His voice doesn’t echo in my ears “I told you your mom wouldn’t believe you”  and if only for a little bit the phantom pains from him forcing himself into me sleep and let me be.

My hell lives both in my mind and in my own town.  I see so much help for veterans and everyone reaching their arms out telling them “It’s ok” and “We love you damaged or not”.  They should try having P.T.S.D. without a military background.  Have a blackout at work because you were overseas no one bats an eye.  Instead they show concern and truly want to help.  I had a minor one at work and lost my job 10 years ago.  I’m so tired of seeing all the videos that go out to the soldiers.  I appreciate what they go threw for our country.  But it’s hard not to be bitter when you’re fighting your own mental war.

Waking sorrow

Woke up in tears again.  Came to the realization of why I don’t trust the police and didn’t call them when I found that damn bag.  First they didn’t protect me as a child when I was being raped.  Second when I was in an abusive relationship and locked out of my own house for the night by my ex they took his side because he was head of house on the paperwork.  Third is how they dragged their hands on arresting the guy who assaulted my cousin only arresting him after my cousin died from his injuries.  Fourth was when I was assaulted in the building I live in and they did nothing stating my injuries were superficial and told me to my face I probably just fell down the stairs.  Fifth was the arrest of my brother for rape charges when there was no evidence and the woman openly admitted to many people she was lying. Sixth was them standing there and allowing my brothers ex to go threw his room with a closed door (after her items were already removed from the home) ending with her stealing his medications. Seventh was the theft of several items from my home.  There were fingerprints.  You could actually see them with the naked eye.  But they refused to take them.  So no I don’t trust them.  I know there are good cops.  I’ve met them before.  But there are a couple of bad ones on the force.  And I’ve had enough encounters with them to develop a phobia of the police.  I’m not happy or proud of it.

Found out I missed a court date in the case of me vs the ass hat who said it wasn’t his bad then wanted it back after I flushed his weed.  The guy knows where I live and this alone has given me endless nightmares.  But how the arrest was handled was worse.  Now I have a large fine I have to pay for missing a court date my lawyer didn’t tell me about.  I’m waiting to find out if I can get a new public defender or not.  Pray for me.

Christmas wishes

My christmas went down the tubes several years ago.  When I lost custody of my son.  I don’t enjoy christmas anymore.  I don’t decorate.  I don’t send out cards.  I live with night terrors.  Even when I’m awake my mind torments me with flashbacks.  Past years I’ve at least been able to put up a decoration or two but I couldn’t do it this time.  I went to decorate my door and started crying.  What is the point.  Pretend that everything is ok?  I didn’t even get to say good bye to him when social services took him.  Sent him to school the last day before christmas break  and got a knock on the door right before his bus would have been there.  And a social worker telling me that he wasn’t coming home.  Merry Christmas.  Now I see him for a couple of hours on christmas and on the weekends when my mom brings him over.  That is if he doesn’t have plans with his friends.  I don’t want to force him to visit with me.  Less and less I see him.  Should I just give up fighting?  Am I a bad mother for thinking that way.  It’s been years I keep fighting.  Trying to hold down a job only to get fired time and time again.  Try to get ssi only to be told to go get a job.  Thinking about going into the mental hospital after christmas.  Let them sort it all out.  It’s not like I would be missing all that much time with my son.  Or that I am actually that great of a person to be around anyhow.  Want to sleep the holidays away but if I’m not awake when my mom calls I won’t get even that little bit of time with my son.  My service dogs wouldn’t be able to come with me.  Maybe my friend Jolen could watch them when she gets out of the hospital.  I don’t have many other people to ask for help.  People don’t really like being around the freak.

Thanksgiving

Went to the Decc for Thanksgiving.  it was nice to have a meal prepared for me and sitting around with some friends.  What I wasn’t expecting was who was in front of me in line for meals.  A woman from my area who claims their dog is legit and a service dog.  Her well trained service dog tried to attack Koda last year at this same event.  So many fakes out with their animals.  We got lunged at several times, it really threw my boy off his game.  But he recovered fast and went to being the angel I know he is.  Thing that gets me is the woman admits that she has no need for a service dog.  In her own words (I just like the attention).  It makes me sick.  One of those situations where you just have to remind yourself that you can’t change the world.  The staff couldn’t do anything about it because she swears that her attack dog is a service dog.  I use to be friends with her but haven’t in a very long time now.  Mostly because of things like this.  I have enough issues I don’t need toxic people in my life.

On the up side Koda did great.  He stayed under my chair the entire time.  I wish some of the kids there were as well behaved but that would have been asking for a miracle.  I got to spend some time with my son.  Loved that!  He keeps surprising me every moment.  Wish I would have had more time with him but my mom had to go.  Hoping to take him to the aquarium soon.  He loves playing with the boats.  He got his picture taken with Santa for me.  He looks so great in the picture.  I’m so proud of my little man.

Well off to bed.  It’s been a long day for me both stressful and happy.

The no spoon day

Warning Rant

What is wrong with people? Really If I could have gotten away with it I would have ran over his foot and then back up and repeat. Stopped in at the grocery store while waiting on the van to cool down (long story). Figured I’d use the opportunity to buy some soda. A store employee that I know from outside the store started talking to me. No problem was already on a stress day but ok whatever. I had commented that I was getting ready for security to come ask questions again because of a few people who were giving me bad looks. Not to mention (wish this was an exaggeration) less then 2 minutes between each drive by petter today. Anyway the employee started talking about how security even kicked out a service dog that was certified with the ADA. I stopped him there and told him no such thing exists. He blew this off and continued about how the dog was certified and registered. And he felt security shouldn’t have kicked his dog out of the store. (supposed blind man who was able to shop and read small print as my friend had witnessed but seamed oblivious to).

Next thing I know he is pulling a ada fact card printed from SitStay and handed it to me.

him “Koda is a cool dog. I don’t want him to sit outside while you are in here.”

Me “Koda is actually trained for mobility assist. He is a real service dog. The cards you keep talking are most often used by fakes. Anyone can buy them online. They don’t even check to see if the team is legit”

Him “well because you don’t have him legally certified I’ll give you this so you can scare away questions”

Me “There is no certification that is legally recognized by the Americans with Disabilities act.”

he just kinda smiled and handed me the card. Really are you fing deaf? So fing tired of people faking. I didn’t even bother trying to explain why and how fakes hurt us in public. About the scars Koda has from being bitten. About the one who drug him down to the ground and how eternally grateful I am that my big idiot thought the faker mut was playing. He was making it openly obvious to me he thought Koda was just a pet. And also that he was trying to help me fake. I’ve never been more insulted in my life. Took the spoons right outa me.

I actually want to cry but I can’t.

The ups and downs