New car and money idea.

Waiting on ssi for years now I’ve been living with nothing.  There are a couple of people that I help out from time to time and they pay for my phone and net.  A friend pays for my service dog’s food.  I hate having to depend on other people for stuff I should be able to take care of on my own.  So as an idea I’m going to get the materials to start sculpting again.  The stuff I’m getting is aquarium safe so I’m thinking of doing some tank decorations.  I’m also thinking about some Christmas ornaments.  Don’t know how well they will sell but it’s worth a try.  I just can’t sit here worrying about if things are going to be paid month to month.  As is my net bill is past due.  I need the money to keep that going.  Think I would lose it if I wasn’t able to come on here.

The fish rescue is going good.  Actually got a waiting list for certain breeds.  Unfortunately the ones that really need a home at the moment no one wants.  I don’t think people understand the money from that comes out of what little I got in my pocket.  Total earnings for me over a year is $500 at best.  Almost all of that goes into food and equipment for the fish.  I hope the ornaments take off.  Maybe start with some unique cichlid caves.  The material I’m using is fish safe so I’m not worrying about getting anyone sick.  Just wish I had more funds to start it up and get going.  At least it’s something that is easy for me to do.  I can work on it while watching tv!  Although I don’t have enough to get tools also so at first I’ll have to improvise.

Koda is doing good and learning so nice.  His recall is almost perfect now!  Although he has gotten into the habit of laying so I can’t get up from my bed.  Don’t think he liked the fall I took before.

1 2 3 4 Take a step hit the floor

Well my original plan for the day was to go hang out at a friend’s place for a bit.  But that didn’t work to well.

I got out of bed after several days of not being able to sleep and heading to do the morning routine.  I took four steps and my back locked up on me.  I managed not to hurt anything in my fall but couldn’t get back up.  For a couple of hours I couldn’t move.  Koda (my service dog) stayed by me the entire time.  He kept trying to help me get up but eventually figured out it wasn’t happening.  So at that point he just laid there with me.  I’m so grateful to have him in my life.  At least I wasn’t alone as I was laying there.  Although I may have to teach him to go grab a blanket and put it on me…. got cold after a bit.  Obviously I was able to work out my back enough to get moving and up off the floor.  It wan’t easy and I can’t reach my pain killers.

My bro is out of the house right now.  When he gets back I’ll have him grab me something to drink and the pills.  Tylenol is all I got right now but anything is better then nothing.

Koda is laying in his bed staring at me now.  I move in any way and he is right there.  My good boy.

Mental War

A shrink once told me that dealing with my condition is like being stuck in war.  Your mind doesn’t leave the stress behind.  It doesn’t relax you are on a constant look out for danger.  He was right.  For me the worst of it is being intelligent enough to know I’m only torturing myself but feeling helpless to stop.

I think the trigger this time was all the Honey Bobo scandal going on.  I know I should be sympathetic to the girl but instead I first got mad.  Why all the attention for her.  The country is shocked that the mother chose the abuser over the child but in my own home town when the same thing happened to me not an eye was batted.  No one cared.  I was told to keep quiet about it from my own mother.  I wasn’t allowed to talk about it.  So many things kept inside for so many years and keep it quiet.  Always quiet.

I keep telling myself it was the past and it doesn’t matter.  I can’t change what happened.  I’m out of that situation.  But it keeps coming back. A bad horror flick playing over and over again in my head with me the unwilling star.

I’m not the suicide type.  That doesn’t change the fact that I want to give up.  I just want to run and get away.

I’m trying

Some days are easier then others.  Today is one of the harder ones.  I’m having to drag myself out of bed just to get busy around the house.  My neck hurts again.  Been in pain for several days now.  I need to make an appointment to get it looked it.  Just don’t have a car at the moment.

Got contacted by another service dog user on facebook asking me to stop copying them.  I’ve been making cutesy little signs with important info on them for my dogs since 2004.  Apparently she considers a certain front her personal trademark.  Really?  I could actually reverse it on her but why bother.  It’s not worth the stress.

Found out the friend who had listed my name while bashing me on the net said more then i originally thought.  Can’t believe how wrong I was about this person.  A couple of days ago I had tried to start rebuilding a friendship with her but now I’m just letting that part of my life fade off.  First time I’ve ever given up on someone who was once a friend.  But I think it’s the best thing to do in this situation.  I’ve been biting my tongue for years on this situation and want to just scream about her.  I don’t know if I could be as cruel.  I’m just not that person.

Sleep has forsaken me

I don’t know what is more frustrating.  Dealing with my own personal issues or dealing with the side effects of medications.  I think I actually take more pills right now then my grandmother.  Koda has been great for letting me know when I need to take my emergency meds.  This is a bonus for Monty as he is just getting to old to continue working.  I’m weaning him off going with me every time I walk out the door.  Poor boy needs to get ready to retire.  He isn’t going to be happy with me on it.

Even though my one med is supposed to make me tired it doesn’t.  It does make the tourettes worse.  I’m up in the air on it.  On one hand it does what it’s supposed to do on the other I almost broke my hand a bit ago in a bad twitch made worse from the meds.  Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Yapping at air

No I do not doubt that the person walking around the little 10 lb ball of hair has a legitimate medical need for her companion.  Why you ask?  Because I do not know one sane person who would be walking through a store with a dog acting like that and looking proud.  I do believe that people who bring this type of dog proudly into public need more help then what the dog can provide.

I got another one of them today.  The request to help another train their dog for service work.  I’m just to tired dealing with my own issues to care.  I do a good job at hiding how bad I am.  I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t.  The idea is so tempting to just walk right out the door as I am in the morning.  No pills to calm the voices in my head.  No tens therapy to numb the muscles in my back so I can shuffle walk my way to the door.  No cleaning up my face to remove the tears streaked down my cheeks.  Most likely it would get me the type of attention I don’t want.

On an up note my big boy was so cute this morning.  My bed sits very low on the ground.  I personally find it easier to get in and out of my chair with it like this.  When I woke he was laying on the floor next to me with his head up on the bed sound asleep.  What a wonderful way to wake for the day.

The ups and downs

Most days I don’t think I truly understand why anyone would honestly want to impersonate a service dog.  The amount of harassment you get not only from people who have no disabilities and also from others who are in your same boat but still can’t understand.

One example of disabled against disabled stands out to me.  Mostly because it was done by someone whom I use to think of as a friend.  About a year ago I was on the bus with a young dog in training.  We were not good at going under the seats yet and to top it off due to issues with my back I was in a wheelchair that day.  I was tired and in pain.  When I got to my stop the driver made a comment about how my dog needs to be under the seat.  I didn’t pay it much mind and just blew the conversation off.  The way I look at it is simple.  There is no law that says the dog needs to be under the seat.  And part of my issues have to do with social anxieties.  One of the tasks I teach my dogs is to block me off from people.  It helps to reduce my stress so I can function easier.   So yes I blew it off.  I was breaking no laws and having the dog under the seat was just not possible at the moment.

When I got home I went online and found that someone I was friends with was on the same bus that day.  Her translation of the situation was much different from mine.  The way she explained it you would have thought I had jumped out of my chair and nearly strangled the bus driver.  Herself a service dog user even accused me of not needing my dog.  What made it worse is she used my full name openly.  Everywhere I went for several months I was harassed.  We live in what I would call a big little city.  I know that doesn’t make much logic.  But the point is that everyone knows everyone else in one way or another.  And word gets around fast.

 

Am I alone in this type of response?  I don’t know.  I know my own needs as does my doctor who prescribed a mobility assist dog to me in the first place.  The fact that so many people feel the need to demand your medical history before believing you need the dog is insane.  I know that the law states I don’t need to provide it but that doesn’t stop people from making your life hell if you don’t give it.